How to Whammy an Evil Cousin in Four Easy Steps

Remember our discussion about "redecorating" the mansion in a pro-Vachon style... well, I started "redecorating" with Tiff's room


Disclaimer: Vachon and Tracy don't belong to me. They belong to James Pariott, Sony/Tristar, etc.

I belong to me, and gave myself permission to be used in the story . Evil Cousin Tiff belongs to herself, and gave me permission to use her (and she even knew what I was going to use her for). Valerie belongs to herself as well, and contributed to the ending. She's also used with permission.

Permission is given to archive at the DP mansion, and any other DP sites, if they want it.

How to Whammy a Cousin in Four Easy Steps
By Deanie (with assistance from Valerie)
January 2000

Deanie was sitting in her room at the DP mansion, typing away on her computer, when she noticed a presence behind her, reading over her shoulder. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that it's rude to read over someone's shoulder?"

"Are you working on my story?" Vachon asked. "The one you've been promising me you'd write since November?"

Deanie twirled around in her chair to look at the Spanish vampire. He was standing in front of her in all his slacker glory - faded jeans, leather jacket, hair in disarray... But that wasn't the point. "I posted that one already, remember? 'Everywhere I Go.' People liked it."

"It was a good story," he admitted. "But it had one major problem - Tracy was dead!"

"Sheesh. You're never satisfied!"

"I want a happy story, where Tracy and I get together," Vachon insisted. "All of the others get to end up with Tracy. And I'm sick of it! She should be mine."

"I'm working on it," she reassured him. "But that's not why I called you here. I need a favor. I want you to hypnotize someone for me."

"You're advocating use of vampire powers for personal gain?" he asked the red-haired medical student skeptically. That wasn't like her. She was usually so Natalie-like about avoiding excess use of vampire powers.

"Who me?" She tried the innocent look, but he wasn't buying it. "Trust me, you'll agree once you find out who it is. She really deserves it."

"Okay," Vachon sighed. "But this had better be quick. I have a gig tonight. Who is it?"

"Tiff," Deanie explained. "Evil Cousin Tiff."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"First, she's evil, and she's a cousin! I don't want to mess with any follower of LaCroix."

"He's mad at her and kicked her out of... well, the former home of a former faction I don't think we're supposed to talk about... didn't you read the Dark Nat Pack establishment story?"

"Sorry," he said. "Must have missed that one."

"Vachon, you're hundreds of years old. How can you be afraid of a human teenager?"

"She's crazy! She might set me on fire... or break my guitar."

"Don't be silly," Deanie reassured him. "She has a lot of respect for music. She'd never do something mean to a guitar."

Vachon gave her a dirty look.

"Tiff must be stopped. It has to be now; it's the perfect time...and I know exactly how to do it."

"Deanie -"

"See this story in my hands?" She indicated the story on the computer screen.

Vachon nodded. He had a suspicious feeling he knew where this was going and he wasn't going to like it.

"You agree to help me, or I'll take my T+V packer story and replace your name with LaCroix! I'll become a CERK Perk!"

"Anything but that!" he said, eyes widening in horror. He sighed, resigned. This wasn't how he'd choose to spend his evening, but for a story where he and Tracy were together, he'd do just about anything.

****


"Valerie, quick, I need your help."

The other Dark Perk looked at Deanie. This sounded like trouble. "What?"

"Are you part of the pro-Vachon bandwagon?"

"Sort of," Val said. "I'm more Vachon-neutral. I could go either way."

"Close enough," Deanie said.

"Do you remember me talking about how Vachon needs to hypnotize Evil Cousin Tiff?" When Valerie nodded, Deanie continued.

"Well, he's going to do it. Now. Only, he needs to get into her room, so we need to distract her gnomes. Thankfully, she sent the circus midgets on an errand, so they're gone."

"How do you distract gnomes?" Valerie asked.

Deanie stopped. How did one distract a gnome? "Uh, naked pictures of lady gnomes? Gnome chow?"

"Gnome chow?" Valerie asked in disbelief. "You expect me to believe there's such a thing as *Gnome Chow*? You've got to be kidding!"

"Come on, Val, have you seen the DP pantry? There's all kinds of weird stuff in there. I'm betting it's there."

Val rolled her eyes. Sure, she was a card-carrying Dark Perk who loved a good prank as much as the next Thug, but this plan was quickly getting out of hand. Gnome chow? She sighed, but followed Deanie to the DP kitchen.


*****

"There!" Deanie exclaimed, pointing to a paper sack.

Valerie gaped in astonishment. There it was. Gnome chow. Right there, in alphabetical order, on the shelf in the mansion pantry. "Now what?" she asked.

"We're spiking the gnome chow."

"How do I let myself get talked into these things?" Val wondered.

"You're doing it for the cause. The pro-Vachon cause."

"Maybe I'm not that pro-Vachon," she muttered under her breath, earning her a sharp look from Deanie. "Even if we do distract the gnomes, how is Vachon going to whammy Tiff? She's a resistor, remember?"

"I've taken care of that."

"How?" Valerie didn't like the diabolical smile on Deanie's face.

"Tiff's always highly caffeinated, right?"

Valerie nodded. "Aren't we all?"

"Sure we are. I was going to secretly replaced the coffee she normally drinks with Folgers Crystals." She looked at Val before continuing "Decaf Folger's Crystals."

Val gasped in horror. "You would dare tamper with the sacred DP coffee pots? Deanie!!! You can get evicted from the mansion for doing that!"

"I would never do that! What kind of a thug do you think I am?" Deanie looked at her fellow Dark Perk with askance. She hadn't thought of doing that to everyone, just Tiff. "But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to do something so diabolical. I mean, *decaf* -- I think that's in the constitution under cruel and unusual punishment."

Val let out a sigh of relief. "If you did that, I think we'd have to change your name to Evil Deanie."

"Besides, I lucked out. Tiff has the flu. Her resistance is already down. Which is why this is the perfect time to do this." She picked up the gnome chow and looked around for something to spike it with. Grabbing a bottle off the shelf, she handed it to Valerie. "Come on, let's go."

"You wouldn't have really messed around with her coffee, not really...right?" Valerie asked, shocked that such a notion would have occurred to a DP. But there was no answer from the medical thug. "She wouldn't have," Valerie mumbled under her breath, before following.



****

Later that night...

In the lounge, Deanie was revising on her Tracy/Vachon fic and Valerie was sipping a cup of coffee while reading the latest issue of "Guns and Ammo" when the Evil One walked into the room. "Hey, Tiff, you're up! Feeling better?"

"Yeah, it's amazing. I felt horrible this morning, but all of a sudden I feel better. It's like someone threw a switch or something."

Deanie shot an amused glance at co-conspirator Valerie. "That's amazing, really."

Val, who had been taking a sip of her coffee, sputtered as she saw Tiff's "Vachon and Tracy Forever" T-shirt. "New shirt?" she asked, struggling to keep a straight face.

"Yeah, do you like it?" Tiff asked.

Val looked at Deanie, then back at Tiff. While they had been spiking the gnome chow, she had come up with the most wonderful idea. "You know, Tiff, your new shirt looks so good, I think I should take your picture in it."

Deanie grinned evilly. She still couldn't believe a nice girl like Valerie could come up with such a diabolical idea. Permanent proof. Brilliant.

Oblivious to the evilness around her, Tiff just continued. "Isn't it nifty? I just woke up and it was like I had a whole new attitude. And my gnomes agreed with me - they're all wearing little "I love Vachon" shirts."

Valerie pulled her camera out from where she had hid it in the sofa cushions. "Let's take a picture of the three of us!" She suggested, setting the camera's timer and joining the other two Thugs. "Smile," she said, moments before the flash went off.

Even after the picture-taking, Tiff kept talking about how wonderful Vachon was. "I don't know why I was so opposed to Vachon and Tracy being together. He's gorgeous, especially his messy hair. He and Tracy are so cute together -- they make a wonderful couple. I should have a talk with Mary. I can't believe she doesn't think they're perfect for each other. You know, I think I'll go write a story where they live happily ever after!" With a smile, Tiff left the room.

The two remaining thugs burst into giggles as the evil cousin exited.

"I can't believe your plan worked!" Valerie said.

"And I can't believe you thought to take pictures of it!" Deanie said, congratulating her co-conspirator.

"Ms. Anyone-but-Vachon has joined the pro-Vachon bandwagon!" Val gloated.

"It's only temporary," Deanie cautioned. "It's a short-term whammy. Tomorrow night she'll be back to her usual anti-Vachon self."

"Bummer," Valerie said. "But I guess it wouldn't be fair to permanently change her mind."

"Nope," Deanie agreed. "But it was fun while it lasted."

"And we have proof," Val noted, holding up her camera.

Grinning evilly, the partners in crime headed for the kitchen to get more
coffee.

The End

The moral of the story? If you need to whammy an evil cousin...
1) Wait until her resistance is low
2) Distract the gnomes and circus midgets
3) Whammy away!
4) Sit back, enjoy, and take pictures!


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